I’ve been blogging again for about three weeks (yay!), and while I’m so excited to be back on my favorite place--the internet--I’d be lying if I didn’t say I have some concerns about the condition it’s been left in during my absence.
For those of you that don’t know (because why would you?) I used to blog pretty regularly in the earlier part of the decade. It was a simpler time—mainly just Lindsay Lohan doing a ton of blow and Nyan Cat.
However, some time in the past few years, there's been a noticeable shift.
What happened? Why is everyone on vacation, selling shit to me through Facebook, or an ACTUAL nazi? Fine. Maybe not everyone, but far more than I’m comfortable with.
Did broader access to high-speed internet really fuck us up as a country, because I’m thinking maybe it did. It’s like everyone’s really racist uncle ditched dial-up and decided to start sharing his opinions about “race mixing” on social media.
But it’s more than just blatant racism that’s spiked in numbers.
Why is every conventionally attractive girl I went to high school with just back from Cannes and really thinks this tea she’s selling will get me off sugar. Get 10% off with the code *HowTheFuckCanYouAffordThisLifestyle*
More questions: Why is everyone so good at applying makeup now? When did the succulent become the preferred plant of Instagram. WHY ARE THERE SO MANY NAZIS? Are we really just watching fetish videos of miniature food, pimple popping, and slime?
Did everyone get together and wear sweatpants outside and call it “streetwear”? FANTASTIC. That was actually a really GREAT CALL, guys!
CHEF BOYAR-DON’T TAKE PICTURES OF YOUR CANNED RAVIOLI
The fact that people take pictures of their food now gives me life. I love an aesthetically pleasing plate of fancy-ass grub. But we have to stop pretending that all food is equal. Do not take a photo of your Lean Cuisine pizza and tag it #foodporn. I DON'T WANT YOUR CO-WORKERS MAKING FUN OF YOU.
If you want to document the time you made avocado toast on 75-grain artisanally-crafted bread baked by monks, then by all means, take that picture. In fact, let me step out of your natural light. You have some art to create.
BUT—I swear if I see one more of y’all take time out of your day to photograph your Beef Stroganoff Hamburger Helper on a paper plate talking about HOMECHEF OR WIFE ME UP, I’m going to start being mean as shit. You did not create that meal, a handless glove with a face did.
Learn healthy shame.
WHY DOES THAT 10 YEAR OLD LOOK BETTER THAN ME?
I could get my doctorate in Russian Literature for the amount of time I spend watching makeup gurus expertly apply a liquid line.
I could read books. Socialize with friends. Spend time with my family. Better myself.
But instead I choose to watch Nicole Guerriero beat her face for 3 solid hours. I'm not particularly good at makeup application. In fact, no matter how hard I try to give myself a crisp, winged eye, I always just end up looking like I've been day drinking.
However, that's not the issue. The issue is that y'all have third-graders out here looking better on a Tuesday than I did on my wedding day. How are you six with a expertly blended contour? Like, slay bitch, but you know this is not going to turn out well.
As a society, we need all of God's creatures to go through that ugly, awkward phase to prevent them from becoming attractive ass super-villians when they get older. Having yearbook photos taken while rocking an at-home bang and 17 coats of Great Lash mascara teaches people compassion. We need these years, so it doesn't become Gotham City around here.
Although, I’m willing to reconsider my opinion if one of you flawless toddlers is willing to teach me how to execute a perfectly symmetrical, classic cat-eye. Thanks a bunch, you little psychos.
SHOULD I HAVE MAJORED IN WANDERLUST?
When did going on vacation become a career choice? I don't remember any of my college advisors even mentioning it as an option. I feel bamboozled, AF.
My IG feed is filled with happy, tan bitches on beaches, who do not seem the least concerned with student loans. The posts are always captioned with things like, "Waking up is easy when your life is a dream." AND I HATE THEM SO MUCH, but it's the kind of hate that comes from admiration.
I need answers.
How did you do this? Will I have to sell detox tea? That's fine. I sell coffee now and mainly just get talked down to. Do you have a 401(k)? What is your relationship like with you father? What about the future? Are you eventually just going to get engulfed by the sea like Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic?
I understand that wanderlust is a powerful affliction, but I also understand not wanting to suck dick to pay my rent, so I guess I'm out. Unless someone has the detox-tea hookup, in which case, I want y'all to ignore everything I said and just be happy for me.
I SAID BE HAPPY FOR ME.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH SNOWFLAKES?
Who let snowflake become a legitimate insult?
You just had to be like, "nope, that's weather." And move on. But now, it's everywhere and people are righteous in their belief that it's the BEST SHADE EVER THROWN.
Some mouth-breather who boycotted Starbucks over a cup, thinks I'm unreasonable because I believe we shouldn't call every brown person a terrorist or be cool with wage inequality?
Do you hear yourself? You're trying to insult someone for being a decent human being. GTFOH.
"Oh, I'm a snowflake for thinking everyone should have access to healthcare?" You got me, Jim, you silly son of a bitch. You got me.
I take it all back. Internet you're amazing. I'll never leave again.