How NOT to Survive the Apocalypse


GUYS! I've been watching The Handmaid's Tale, and it has me shooketh.

Now I'm late to the game, so if anyone tells me what happens I will fight you. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, I'm about to let you borrow my Hulu login because some things can not be explained with words--but I'm gonna try.

Basically it's the future. We did in fact, RUIN EVERYTHING, and now crazy Fundamentalist Christians run the joint and have taken fertile women hostage (in this future, most women are infertile) to be their at-home baby makers. It's absolutely as horrible as it sounds, and there's so much more to the story, but I'm getting the vibe that these ladies are about start fucking people up soon so... I'm watching with bated breath. You can check out the trailer below.

But none of this is the point, I only bring it up because watching this show has made me realize when the time comes, and the Earth crumbles around us, I'm going to throw myself off a bridge, okay? Okay.

Seriously, don't invite me to y'all's bunker parties, because I am absolutely not coming. I'm RSVP-ing "DEAD." Can we just stop trying to make surviving the Apocalypse/End of Modern Society/Authoritarian Dystopia happen? It's not going to happen. At least not for me.

There's been a pretty prevalent theme in entertainment centered around surviving the end of the world, but who are we kidding? Do you know what you would do if you were in the real-life Walking Dead, Paul? Piss yourself and then get eaten by a zombie. Stop pretending. But the real question is why would you want it any other way?

Every time I see Bear Grylls filter his own urine and fucking eat a buzzard because "what if?", I become even more adamant in my decision that if the time comes, I’m going lie down, try to look as delicious as possible, and wait for an actual bear to put me out of my misery. 

I mean, I only have so much fight in me. And what am I fighting for exactly? Is AC still a thing or am I going to be really sweaty until I die miserably of natural causes? Because if not, I just don't think it's worth it for me, personally. No judgement.

When that squishy little munchkin in N. Korea grabs a step stool and pushes that red button or ol' Don T. in DC covfefe's out the nuclear codes while he's on Twitter at 3 am, I'm just going to go outside and wait, because fuck having to repopulate the planet or not having wi-fi. What am I supposed to do? Talk to people? Face to face? Gross.

Maybe you think I'm wrong. Maybe you're a superior genetic specimen who will survive and thrive in the hellscape of our future. Well, I'm proud of you! You go, Glen Coco.

But for every Katniss Everdeen who could outrun a lion, there's a Velma from Scooby Doo who dropped her glasses and is now totally useless. That's me. I'm Velma. Unless this future dystopia needs people to make latte art or really fill out a turtleneck, I'm not going to be of any assistance. Side note: Did y'all know that the CEO of Reddit actually got laser eye surgery, because he was concerned about his ability to get contacts if some shit goes down. This is the world we live in.

Actually the world I live in is a little farther south, and it's going to get real scary down here, real fast. Because undoubtedly some guy named Bo has been buying his local Walmart out of bullets for the entire duration of the Obama presidency, and he makes the rules now. HELP.

I don't want anyone to think that I don't value my life or want to die, because that's not the case. Living is dope. I'm just realistic about who I am as a person. I grew up with parents who weren't great at paying bills or not getting arrested, so I was a survivalist before this shit was a fun hobby.

Once I moved out on my own, I put comfort and stability at the very tip-top of my priority list. And now I have ALL the luxuries afforded to me by my job as a grown-up barista. I’ve got Netflix and Hulu and HBO. I buy stupid sparkly water for $5 a bottle. I ALWAYS get guacamole at Chipotle. I also have reasonably fast wi-fi and extremely soft sheets that I got at Ross on the low. You get my point. I like moderately nice things. So the idea of wandering around trying to strategize how best not get eaten by someone just seems like a waste of time-- because I will get eaten. 



  • I THINK I'M BEYONCÉ. If the seas rise any more or Antartica gets another crack in it, I'm about to blow through Target like it is my job. FUCK SAVINGS. Seriously, I'm just going to go into Sephora and buy every GlamGlow mask they make. I'm about to go to Whole Foods and spend $17 on that freshly crushed peanut butter. I'm going to wild the whole fuck out.
  • HOW DOES TINDER WORK? There's only so many more times Don T. can tweet some dumb shit about countries with nuclear weapons before I download Tinder. I've been trying to ruin my self-esteem with dating apps for years, but my husband is a total cockblock and won't let me. But with him busy trying to plan his survival, guess who's about to get HPV from a stripper named Trevor with the IQ of a pencil? This girl. Peace out, World.
  • TELL EVERYONE I HATE THEM. I've worked my customer-service job for nearly a decade and that means I have a lot of people to tell how much I hate them before the world ends. "Ohhh, that doesn't have a price on it? You're right, George, it must be free! On second thought, I HATE YOU!"
  • TELL EVERYONE I LOVE THEM. I'm just kidding, guys. I'm actually really going to miss everyone. I love all of you. Especially the people who read my blog. I'm sorry I won't be going on this little adventure with you, but when I said I'd rather die than climb those three flights of stairs, I meant it. 


Good luck surviving your new barren wasteland.